Once Every 4 Years...

I felt like I should post today, as it's February 29... Will I still be blogging in 4 years? Who knows, as I am barely doing it now! It's funny how life works...

More quotes from your favorite forensic scientist

The following are quotes from our favorite forensic scientist, unless noted:

"You should all go to court." Student: "What do you suggest we go to court for?"

Pointing to an image of a gun: "You'd rather be at this end [the stock] than at this end [muzzle]. This end will hurt!"

"I am on record in State Courts having to explain why I was giggling while talking to the jury about semen."

On the cleanliness of hotel rooms: "I wouldn't take a polylight to a hotel room, unless you want to go [makes disgusted face] "eww!" "Eww!""

"You've got to take your hunger break when you're killing someone."

"Yes, I have found myself in some of my crime scene samples before..."

Explaining that urine in an excellent source of DNA evidence: "Guys, you should never write your name in the snow if you're going to commit a crime..."

Pass it on...

My illustrious, blog-hopping brother posed the following (well, it was posed to him, and he was good enough to share...):

1. Sum up your blogging motivation, philosophy and experience in exactly 10 words.

Now, unlike him, I will not write a long answer to this and then sum it up in 10 words. Anybody could do that! I will instead tackle the problem directly. So here it is:

I blog because I am not witty enough to tweet!

Photos from the Mock Crime Scene

Sorry it took so long, but here are a few pictures from our mock crime scene. Enjoy!

Another email with the forensic scientist...

"I don't remember if I told you much about the mock scene, but it's based on a crime scene we worked back in about '03 where a guy was beaten, stabbed and shot (we discovered that later...great story I can tell you later). The mock scene, however, only involves the beating and stabbing. It should be a pretty easy scene to lay out. It will require a little bit of clean up afterward, but don't they all! We have all the things here to lay out the scene, including the body, so I'll figure out about how long it'll take me to get the scene laid out, with some help from a couple of you, and we can plan from there on."

Love it!

Life lessons from a forensic scientist...

As promised, here are some life lessons from my favorite forensic scientist (as shared with our students).

Revenge:
"... don't pee on someone's jacket, it's just not nice"

Career choices:
"... if you work in forensics, it helps if you have a perverse sense of humor"

Being a criminal:
"... being a criminal is a hungry business"
"... if you're breaking into a house, remember to take your clothes with you"

Lawyers:
"There are some prosecutors that I wonder "how did they make it through law school... and how are they still breathing?""

Carrying a fire-arm:
"I get 10 bullets... 5 to shoot at the suspect, and 5 to shoot while running away"

The call of nature:
"I love our new crime scene truck. It has a toilet!"
"... if you've got to go, and there's no where that you can go... it gets painful!"

Job perks:
"... I got to drive 100 mph down the highway... it was awesome!"
"... this was the first time I had to swab blood from feces"

Crime scene equipment:
"... you never know when you'll need a shovel"
"There are two ends to a measuring tape, the smart end and the dumb end... I prefer the dumb end"

Student: "Why do so many people need to be contacted to send a forensic unit to a crime scene?"
Forensic Scientist: "That's a really good question... people need to justify their jobs"

The great outdoors:
"... me, I'm one of those weird people, I don't mind the smell of skunk"

Hygiene:
"... in your lifetime, you should throw your shoes away."
"I had a buddy who ran over a bloated possum once. . couldn't get the stink off for weeks"

How to be an effective criminal:
"... a gunshot to the head is more likely to produce blowback than one to the abdomen... especially if its a fat guy"
"... if you're going to injure someone, don't do it on carpet"
"If you break into someone's house. .. take the chicken leg with you"

Tips on being a victim:
"If you're getting beat up, make sure to throw out a contact lens."
". . you don't want to come across my desk."

Random facts:
"...there's a lot of blood in a 300lb man"
"It would take 7.2 trillion sperm to reach from here to the moon"

Did I mention that I loved my job...?

I have been trying to organize a mock crime scene for one of our classes during the summer. We have a friend in the state bureau of investigation who has been helping me, and here is a quote from one of his emails:

"Do you have any idea what kind of scene you might want, or do you just want whatever? Shooting, stabbing, beating, strangulation? A combination of a few or all? We've had scenes before where the victim was shot, stabbed and beaten. We've even had one where the guy was shot, dismembered, burned (not completely though), then dumped in a well. I'm thinking you probably would want to keep it to a basic shooting, stabbing, or beating, but not necessarily all three."

I love forensics people...

Me and Indy...

Dum da da dum, dum da dum! Dum da da dum, dum da dum dum dum!!!

Ah, Indiana Jones! Generations know the theme song off by heart and remember Indy shooting the sword-wielding dude... Okay, maybe only I remember the second bit!

One of my readers asked me to share my Indiana Jones story from a previous blog. Acutally there are two, completely unrelated Indiana Jones stories I will bore you with... Because I can!

When I was in high school I use to catch the bus. All 6 busses lined up in a row and waited until they were full, or they had to leave. Normally I was pretty punctual to catch the bus home, but I'd had a less than punctual week and had missed a couple of busses. I really needed to make the next bus!

I'm walking to the bus with some friends, feeling like I'm on time, when we reach the back of the sixth bus in line (my bus was third in line). As I look up, I see my bus beginning to leave!! I can't miss this bus, so I start to run! As I get closer to the bus, I realize the door is still open. I grab the pole in the doorway and swing myself onto the bus... ending up sitting on the floor next to the driver! I'm sure they weren't impressed, but they didn't throw me off and I made the bus!

Next day, I meet up with one of my friends who saw my mad dash for the bus. He proudly announced that he started humming the theme from Indiana Jones the minute I started running for the bus!

Now, that was not the Indiana Jones story that was requested, but I thought I'd tell it anyway. Here's the requested one...

As mentioned in a previous post, I made the second round of interviews for a job at a national intelligence agency. This required a trip the national capital for a series of individual and group activities (to see if I had the right stuff).

One such activity had three parts: We were taken out into the grounds of the venue to study a prepared situation laid out before us. Next, we were interviewed separately to describe the situation and how we would approach it, before finally working as a group to overcome the situation.

During my interview, I described what I saw: A series of obstacles needed to be overcome as the group would make their way through a passage to a central area. In this area was a large tarp with a small trinket in the center. I felt that the trinket was the object of the challenge.

I felt I was not clearly explaining this last part, so I called upon Indy: "You remember the scene from Indiana Jones, when Indy is stealing the golden statue and used a bag of sand to prevent the boobie-traps from being sprung? Well that's what we're going to need to do here..."

I did not get the job...

Green cards aren't actually green... and the real story about how I got here.

I got my green card in the mail today... It's not green, though I knew that would be the case. It's quite alright with me, because it means I can stay here. I don't have to worry about doing something stupid and being sent home (and we all know I'm capable of stupid!). I can be here with my wife, and that's all I want.

It got me thinking... How did I really end up here? I know some of my audience (probably 2 out of the 4) will think "you flew in a number of large airplanes for a very long time", which is technically correct, but it's not the whole story.

For the whole story, my readers need to hear about a missing professor, a missing vaccination, and a lack of intelligence and organization...

When I completed my undergraduate degree, I knew I wanted to do my honours year under the supervision of Professor HPLC on forensic analysis. We had talked about possible projects at the end of 3rd year, so I was ahead of the game. Come orientation week for us honours students (yes computer, that is how you spell "honours"...), I was feeling good about my plans, and paid only scant attention to the projects being offered by other professors. One professor, who was known for his easy grading but of who I wasn't a huge fan, did offer a forensics project... I took mild interest.

Nearing the end of the second day of talks on the offered projects it became apparent that my chosen professor wasn't due to talk. While this seemed strange, we had 3 students already showing interest in his work (the maximum allowed number), so we figured he was just not bothering to tell the other honours students his research. Still, the 3 of us found him and eventually convinced him to talk to the honours class. He seemed rather uninterested in presenting... At the end of the day, we put in out 3 choices for our honours projects, with the matches being announced at the end of the week.

Friday comes, and I am asked to go talk with the honours coordinator and the head of department... along with the other 2 prospective Professor HPLC students... We were each told that Professor HPLC was leaving the department, and that we had 1 hour to choose a new honours project!!! Of course, we spent the first half of our time tracking down this professor and giving him a piece of our minds (having worked in academia for a while now, I realize that the professor couldn't really tell us before it was official, but it's still frustrating).

With 1/2 hour left to find a lab, I approached the professor with the other forensic project... I announced my presence by slamming open the lab door (yes, you can slam open a door!). I found the professor to be sympathetic to my situation and very enthusiastic about taking me on as a student... While I still felt somewhat unsettled, I had found my lab...

At the end of my honours year, I applied for a PhD scholarship. I didn't get one at first and went looking for a job. I got an interview for a chemist position at a government forensic lab. The interview went well and they were looking for me to start straight away (while it was only a short-term position, I could see it leading to a full time forensic job!). They finally asked if I had my Hepatitis B vaccination... I did not. It requires a course of 3 injections over several weeks, so the job didn't work out (the vaccination was required for the position).

Eventually I managed to get a PhD scholarship and completed a PhD in the lab of my honours professor.

Nearing the end of my PhD, I began a job search. I cast my net fairly wide, not just forensics, but medical science, biochemistry, and even non-scientific jobs. One such job was joining my country's intelligence organization (I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you!). I ended up making it to the 2 round of interviews, which included a 3 day trip to the nation's capital. Despite enjoying the trip, I did not get the position (maybe taking copious photos while I was there and invoking "Indiana Jones" in part of the interview were not great ideas...), and I returned home to a phone interview for a postdoc in a pathology lab.

I got that job, came over here, met a wonderful woman, got my current job, got married, and yesterday my green card came in the mail... Did I mention that it's not actually green?

Happy Australia Day!

It might be a bit late for the Aussies back home, but happy Australia Day to all the Aussies out there. Enjoy the sand, beer, meat pies, and cricket!

A Friday Funny!

Our students interact on an online forum when not in class. While their posts are often be interesting, the following exchange between two students made me laugh out loud...

(Of course, identities have been changed to protect the innocent...)

Student A - "So a few of weeks ago, i was discussing with Student X and Student Y the possibility of genetically engineering humans to where we're really short. I'm not really sure if this is very realistic but if it were/is possible don't you think it would be extremely beneficial? And not just to us but to the environment as well? Because i mean being shorter would require less space, less stuff to eat, less water (in a way) and pretty much less everything!"

Student B - "But then our pets could eat us."

Quotable quotes...

I came across these while searching for something online... Enjoy!

Douglas Adams -
"The most misleading assumptions are the ones you don’t even know you’re making."

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."

"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair."

Franklin P. Adams -
"I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way."

Scott Adams -
"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience."

Anonymous -
"An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn’t care."

"A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library."

"Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation."

"Statistics means never having to say you’re certain."

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

Isaac Asimov -
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not “Eureka!” (I found it!) but “That’s funny. . . ”."

Burt Bacharach -
"A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of."

Just the right thing for a Friday afternoon...

Yesterday afternoon I received the following departmental email:

"A bright green frog was found by the Building X elevators on the 4th floor. Does this frog belong to anyone in a research area? (This is not a joke and its not even a full moon). If this frog is unclaimed, do you know anyone that wants it? I am not not that fond of frogs!"

Shortly afterwards, the following reply was sent to the whole department:

"This is your chance…..Kiss it."

Ah, Friday!

If I am a secret agent, it's news to me...

I got an email from a workmate today, and for a moment I thought I was a spy...

"... and if you wouldn't mind looking for it, I have a scrap piece of white paper on my desk or in my black folder that has several PI names in someone else's handwriting and 2 names written in the bottom right corner in my scribble. I was wondering it you could tell me those 2 names (one's last name is Pickup)..."

Contact the people written on the fry-pan... Where's Whoopi Goldberg when you need her?

Honeymoon

It's almost time for Sweetie and I to go on our honeymoon... We're going on the first week of August, actually! We've had the date booked for over a month, but we had no idea what we wanted to do and where we wanted to go... Right up until Sunday night (actually, our search parameters got narrower the Friday before, after I realized that the visa in my passport that allows me to re-enter the US had expired... No overseas honeymoon for us!). So, you might ask, where are Sweetie and I going? Drum roll please... No drum role?.. Budget cuts?.. Oh well...

We're going to ride a train! Two actually! Now, this may seem a bit boring, so allow me to explain: We're flying to Los Angeles, spending a day and then taking the Coastal Starlight (sleeper) up the coast to Seattle. We'll spend two nights there before hopping on the Empire Builder (sleeper again) to Chicago. One more night and a short flight back home. We're very excited!!

My cyborb name (everyone else is doing it...)

Get Your Cyborg Name

Science Badges

Well, I was going to blog about some interesting stories I heard recently, but Odyssey's blog lead me to Science Scouts. Here are the badges I qualify for...

The “I use twitter to spread science” badge

The “non-explainer” badge (LEVEL I) [At least this use to be the case...]

The “works with acids” badge

The “working on alternative fuels” badge [It's a bit of a stretch, but...]






The “statistical linear regression” badge

The “somewhat confused as to what scientific field I actually belong to” badge
[So been there!]





The “science has forced me to seek medical attention” badge [More than once!]






The “totally digs highly exothermic reactions” badge [Who doesn't?]

The “cloner” badge






The “have used a dental drill and I’ve never been a dentist” badge

The “I’m pretty confident around an open flame” badge






The “MacGyver” badge [Sure... why not...]

The “talking science” badge [Of course!]

White Vans and Red Pandas

I wanted to relay a couple of stories that occurred recently during my teaching...

First of all, I have just completed a 2 day stint as the driver of a 15-seater van (yes, it was white!). Given that, apart from my wife's Nissan Altima and my brother's Ute, my driving experience centers around small hatchbacks, this was quite an experience! It felt like what I would expect to encounter if I got to drive the mining ship Red Dwarf (minus the cool optional extras!) - It wasn't the length that bothered me as much as the width, which made it feel like you took up al the lane and then some. Also, the indicators sounded like sound effects from Pac Man... Still, I didn't crash it (or even lock the brakes...).

Previously I have told the story of the red panda at our local zoo. To recap - we were watching the red panda as it wandered across the front of the enclosure. It came across a log with a broken branch stem sticking out. It straddled the log and braced it with both back feet, and proceeded to thoroughly scratch his arse (pointed directly at the crowd)! Recently, our students got to do their own research project with two groups visiting the zoo. They weren't studying the red panda, they were studying meerkats, and the eland/ostrich/zebra "triple alliance" (honestly, it's a really thing!), respectively. One group member took time out of his research to name some of the other animals, one of which was the red panda. His name for the beast?... "Fire Crotch"!!! Pure gold!

Seniors!!!

For those who don't know me (which all of you do, but I couldn't think how to start this blog!), I teach in a high school (of sorts). We just had our senior class graduate, so I thought I'd tell you a bit about them (please note that these are not their real names)...

Chin and that blond girl - Okay, so these two didn't actually graduate. The blond girl had a tanty about her research and walked off. Her mentor and dad tried to fix things, but it didn't work out. Her heart wasn't really in it. Chin was the most unfocused individual I've ever met. He could not balance anything in his life (I know this sounds rather harsh, but he really couldn't). The prime example of this was his English grade... He failed first semester and was told that he had to improve his grade, which he did to and "A"! So what's the problem (as his mother asked us)? Well, he improved on English by ignoring his other subjects, two of which he was now failing!!! After much effort to get him together, he ran out of rope just 2 weeks short of graduating...

Windy - Quiet to the extreme (to the point where we were wondering if something was wrong), she slowly opened up, starting with telling me she enjoyed playing soccer as she got to beat up on her opponents! She ended up getting into every college she applied to, and really blossomed!

Q-Tip - This girl was not helped by being "hand-held" through her time in the lab... This meant she appeared to be great, until she was out of the lab and her work nose-dived. Used as the (most unlikely) poster-child for the program (not our idea), she is a nice kid, but was far too easily distracted (particularly by Cashew).

The Twins - Okay, so these two are not twins, but they were inseparable! Both great girls who were impossibly "cute"... as in they presented their research at a poster session wearing "party dresses"! They were probably to least nerdy students in the whole school!

Loin - I will remember him for telling me he was aiming for either and Ivy League School, a tennis scholarship (he was that good), or he would do ladies nails...

Little Miss Bossy - Our hardest working student, our biggest worry-wart, and with an amazing ability to tell her elders what to do, and what they could do for her ("i need you to do this" was one of her favorite phrases)... Hopefully she keeps up with the former trait, but eases up on the latter two...

The Two McQ Girls - Two of our most successful students. Polite, generally on task, pleasures to teach, and not very interesting... I wish them all the best!

Cashew - Leaving the best for last! Cashew was a special boy... He once sent 6000 text messages in one month (yes, that's 200 a day!)... How do you do that when you're in class 5 days a week? By texting in class of course!!! ("It helps me stay awake!") We took his phone away... But there was so much more to him than texting... Annoyed at his lack of focus one day, I gently lobbed a tennis ball at the back of his head... I missed, it bounced on the table in front of him, was caught by the person he was talking to, thrown back to me, and then I had another go (as he hadn't even broken conversation during all this)... He was completely surprised when something hit him in the back of the head!!! The final story I'll leave you with was when he needed aluminium trays for a project in class, but her couldn't find them ("Why didn't you ask for help?" "Because people are stupid"). So he bought aluminium trays... complete with already made pie-crusts...

People, I present to you the Class of 2009!

I Think I Remember How This Thing Works...

To say I haven't blogged for a while is kind of like saying the Pope is Catholic... It's true, but there's so much more to it!

There are a number of reasons for my absence:
- I've gotten married (no, my wonderful wife isn't against me blogging, but planning and attending your own wedding takes a bit out of you);
- We've been house-hunting;
- We've moved into an apartment together (which gives you an indication of how the house-hunting is going);
- I turned 30; and
- Semester has been wrapping up.

So these are my somewhat flimsy excuses... I plan to blog a bit more regularly, but plans are subject to change... Let's just see how this goes, shall we?